Adulting can be beautiful, and it can be poopecular.

Differentiating ourselves from our childhood and the people who loomed so large to us as kids can challenge our very idea of who we are. Are you struggling in this process? Does anxiety launch you into analysis paralysis, preventing you from rocking your decisions and choices? Need help figuring out how to process your past and become your future badass self? Are you starting to believe that every day contains pain and is fraught with potential to choose an option bad for us or choose stagnation?

In Big Book of Bad Ideas, I share tales of my misspent youth from childhood on up to current middle age so you can see a better way of adulting, you can sidestep the traps and pitfalls I found. I will share what led me to dumbassery and self-defeat so you can avoid or mitigate that horror show. I entered adulting in hella pain and anger. Internally, it was clear I could be and do better. Not sure about you, but I could hide me some suckitude behind a glowing smile. And stuff that bullshittery down, way down, until I could carry on.

I roared through my twenties, doing various jobs—clawing out of destitution (more on that later), and flat out sabotaging the shit outta myself.

Incredibly aware of what I did not want to become (a shadow-wife drowning in bebes or a cruel business person— dichotomous thinking with its either-or paradigm didn’t exactly help me see possibilities), I was clutch with telling myself I wasn’t good enough for anything positive. Strapped for cash— no parental support system—emotionally stunted and pretty much lacking empathy, I had all the pieces of the dysfunction puzzle.

Here’s the thing, knowing you can do better and doing better are nowhere fucking near the same thing. Ponder this: two frogs sit on a lily pad. One says, “I think I’ll jump in the water.”

How many frogs are still on the lily pad?

Spoiler alert: both of those amphibian mofos are still on the lily pad because neither one did anything. A desire without a plan? Yeah, that’s a dream. Put a fricking plan together with actionable steps; then you have a goal. This concept was hard won for me. Let me show you how to goal up.

Knowing who you are is the necessary starting point to adulting in positivity and success. It allows you to figure out who you will become—a transformation that centers on your will. With will, we achieve discipline, and I am nothing if not willful. I found my current bliss through grit and the belief I could be something other than an id-chasing asshole. Feeding our physical appetites is not the look. Don’t worry, I am not an ascetic by any stretch. Balance is key to prospering, though, so a feast every meal may not be the path.

We have the power to influence what prospers within us. I adore the Cherokee riddle of the two wolves. There are two wolves: one is love and the other is hate. Which one dominates? The one you feed. Light bulb time. We have the ability to take control over our brains and our emotions by “feeding” what traits we want to embody.

I shit you not. We can renovate our very selves and become who we want to be. We get to identify what traits we want to have. We get to feed our minds and hearts what we need in order to become our future badass selves.

I have worked out this plan of clearing out the shrapnel and detritus from a not-so-fab past. Easy? Nah. Worth it? Aw, hell yeah. Depending on what your damage is, it may take a minute. Inherited family trauma is no delight, let me tell ya. We can end the cycle, though. We can face the blackness within us and show ourselves some tenderness and light.