Ever wonder why folks create chaos regardless of changes in their people, jobs, locales? I did that garbage for decades and finally figured it out. Awright, let’s get into it.
Let’s define trauma as when an event/person has wrecked you emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally. Trauma can fricking decimate an individual’s life and relationships. People (such as, I dunno…me from childhood to 2017) who have experienced trauma (such as abuse, neglect, loss, etc.) may have their guard up so high they ride the struggle bus trying to trust anyone. Inability to regulate emotions may be the star of their show, and/or it could be establishing healthy boundaries. As a result of all this chicanery, they struggle to form and maintain stable and nourishing relationships.
Why might a person repeatedly recreate their dysfunction in new relationships, you ask. Well to be real, they may be unaware of the impact of their trauma on their behavior. They may not realize that their coping mechanisms, such as avoidance, anger, or detachment, McSuck and harm their relationships. They may also have difficulty recognizing and expressing their emotions, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts with their partners. Yep, the little faces with different expressions most schoolkids understand? Fricking mystifying to some trauma survivors.
Another reason trauma survivors may recreate old dysfunction in new relationships? I sh!t you not, they may be attracted to partners who remind them of their traumatic experiences. Couple reasons for this. For one, that milieu is familiar and there is comfort in the ratchetness. For another, there’s “trauma bonding,” where individuals become emotionally attached to those who have harmed them, either due to feelings of dependency (includes kids) or a belief that they can “fix” their abuser (PSA: the only one we can “fix” is ourselves). Then what do we get? Ah yes, toxic, abusive relationships that replicate the dynamics of their traumatic experiences.
Yet another reason folks from traumatic backgrounds may recreate their bullshittery in new relationships is that they may not have learned healthy relationship skills. Remember, social skills are not innate.
Watch any preschoolers brawl over a toy–THAT is what’s innate.
Trauma can disrupt an individual’s development and limit their ability to learn and practice ~ahem~ appropriate social and emotional skills.
Without these skills, back on the struggle bus trying to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, and rock connection and intimacy with their partners.
Let’s recap, shall we: why do people from traumatic backgrounds recreate their dysfunction in new relationships (side note my trauma survivors: we may feel like we just hapen upon craptastic partners in a row.
Naw. We seek that out like a kamikaze moth to a flame. Not our fault, but our responsibility to own our part in recreating it)?
It can be due to a lack of awareness of the trauma’s wreakage, attraction to partners who remind them of their trauma, or a lack of healthy relationship skills.
To break this cycle, may need to seek therapy and support to address the ratchetness and learn healthy relationship skills. This can help them create more stable and fulfilling relationships in the future.
Seem impossible? It is not. If I can do, lovey, the odds are in all our favor. Reach out when feeling mystified and bewildered when living in chaos oh-so-similar to the sitch around the original trauma.
If the folks aren’t helpful–reach out to pros, to coaches, to support groups. Billions of people on this planet and a lotta them jam on helping others. I know I do!
Hugzzz,
Mel
PS Interested in learning how to rock joy? Sign up for a call at https://calendly.com/zfgliving/zfg-living-intro-call